Gratitude Over Fear: Transforming Panic into Purpose

We often think of drug addicts, alcoholics, or just addicts in general when we hear the term “rock bottom.” Or at least I always did. I am convinced now that the term applies to every single person on this planet. Not too long ago, I was at what I consider my rock bottom. I had developed quite a few “disorders” over my 36 years, and they were out of control. OCD and anxiety are my main “issues,” and the power they had—unchecked together—sent me into a frenzy I had never felt before. Christmas 2023 was when it started to become so intense I could barely bear it. My obsession with protecting my family, along with my obsession with not dying and leaving them, and my obsession to people-please, was the perfect ingredient for disaster.

I was lying in bed “calm,” waiting for my husband’s parents to arrive for our Xmas visit when suddenly I was having a full-blown panic attack. This panic attack was different from the few times I had experienced before because this time there was no obvious trigger. I was lying in bed! Over the next 3 months, it got worse and worse. My sister had been going through her own problems, and I wanted more than anything to fix it for her. My obsession with saving her made me do exactly what I should never do: ignore absolutely everything I NEEDED.

I became sick—a simple cold that my whole family had too and recovered from quickly—but it lingered, turning into ear infections and a sinus infection that just wouldn’t go away. After 3 rounds of antibiotics, I started to feel better until I didn’t. Suddenly, something new was happening, and I couldn’t figure out what. I felt sick, had a fever, and quickly became extremely ill. I went to the doctor and spent the next week spiraling more and more as they scrambled to figure out what was wrong with me. The flu, COVID? Nope. A parasite? Nope. Even gallstones were suggested—meaning surgery. “Ok great, let’s fix it…” Nope, sorry, we were wrong—not gallstones.

So off to the emergency room I went. All I could really explain was, “I felt like I was being poisoned.” No solid answers came from that trip, but a seed was planted: C.diff. Still, desperately trying to get proof seemed to be nearly impossible. Another day of misery. The issue was my symptoms didn’t completely align with the known symptoms for C.diff. Another trip to the emergency room showed just how much doctors need to learn that WE ARE ALL UNIQUE. Most know this, which is why blood work and tests are the main sources for answers. However, my doctor that night hadn’t learned that yet. She seemed to think she knew everything. She repeatedly told me that night, “No, you do not have C.diff.” Luckily, tests were ordered, and after being sent home even more confused, clarity came with the early morning phone call that said POSITIVE FOR C DIFF.

I can’t express the feelings those 3 months had on me—words just don’t do it justice—but it was definitely my near-death experience. I was convinced I was dying. I knew it. So once the clouds lifted, I found my salvation. It wasn’t the anxiety meds I had recently started taking—it was GRATITUDE. I started to shift my perspective and used my disorders by flipping the script. Moments of panic about dying became my clarity: “If today is your last day, are you doing it right?” “Are you okay with this being your last day?” It was then that I decided therapy was necessary. I needed to get a handle on my mind. It was running amuck! I bring up anxiety medication and therapy because they were tools that need to be acknowledged. I needed help because I was that low. They were tools, not the solution. Gratitude was the ingredient that I found and will forever keep with me. MIND, BODY, SOUL—those were it. Focusing on those things and nurturing them is what brought me to this moment right here.

Almost exactly a year later, I am a completely different version of myself. I no longer take anxiety medication, and therapy isn’t something I desperately need like I did last year. Though I do love therapy and think EVERYONE should be in therapy!! So the takeaway is this: If you are unhappy, living a life you just barely make it through, I challenge you to challenge yourself. Flip the script and start with daily affirmations and practicing gratitude. When you hear that ugly voice inside saying something to tear you down, challenge it: “You are stupid” versus “Um no, actually I’m awesome and I’m really freaking smart.” Try it. It’ll become easier and easier, and eventually you’ll notice that ugly voice getting more and more quiet. Once you get to that point, I can’t say for sure where it will lead you. Our journeys are all so beautifully unique, as are our lessons. The only thing I’m confident in is that if you are not grateful for things, you are most certainly not living your best life. You deserve to be. Get out of your way! It’s worth it! YOU ARE WORTH IT!